~Mood: Sleepy / touched
~Hears: Ebola - หนีไม่พ้น (Inescapable)
Sleepy because it's nigh 4 AM, and touched 'cause I've been reading emo fanfics all night ;A;
Seems like Thai music is becoming more and more popular. I'm impressed. A few years back I listened to a bit someone posted on their website, and it wasn't very good quality-wise, but I think it's come a long way. Ebola is a bit heavier, and Wai (wai?) is more pop~ I like them both.
Uhhh~ nothing much to say. I had something in mind but I forgot :/ figures. I've been really tired lately -- more than usual -- and a little stressed out I guess. Most of the anxiety has pretty much gone away, unless I think about it, but it's better. My highs and lows are making me wonder if I should be on some medication...again. I spent a lot of time on anti-depressants, and only stopped taking them because my sister wouldn't take hers, insisting that I was the cause of everyone's problems, and that she never did anything to annoy/frustrate me. I will admit I don't think I quite need an anti-depressant, because I don't feel depressed. Maybe therapy, or finally a diagnosis for being bi-polar. I once told someone I was bi-polar, and they were skeptical, saying that they had another friend that was also, and that they would do stuff like randomly go out and buy a bunch of expensive stuff and not remember doing it at all. The only thing I could come up with was "maybe they're manic bi-polar?" she wondered what the difference was between manic and non-manic. I explained the obvious, but thinking of it now makes me believe maybe it wasn't being bi-polar, but something like schizophrenia. I have a family friend that my mom has known for a long time that did stuff like that, and has had a long line of schizophrenia in her family. But I've never known that person's friend, so I wouldn't know.
It's odd how small our comprehensive capacity can be. Like how you can't understand things when you're younger, but when you're older everything starts making sense. It's almost shameful to admit that in a few years, whereas everything seems confusing and uncertain now, it won't be then. Perhaps. It still doesn't do justice to those who choose a complete opposite direction to go from the one they were taught was right, because anyone with a logical mind can see the consequences. Then again, there are those who live their lives without responsibility, embarrassment, reprimanding parents, or guilt and have no qualms about their lifestyle, which in my opinion seems to be a very diseased way of life. The majority of us seem to know better but feel empowered when we're reckless, and how many people have said they just wanted to lose control? Contrary to that, I'd be too afraid of becoming like everyone else, and more drawn towards having everything I say and do completely thought through beforehand. Closing up, being unreadable, being
strong sounds more appealing to me. I suppose, to actually have dignity and be unafraid of saying 'no' is a goal. Maybe a difficult one, but a goal nonetheless. Those who don't know me have no right to think of me as innocent, or easily manipulated -- and I think it's important to throw in as many difficulties and twists as possible to prove them otherwise. I dislike other people having the upperhand.
Unless I like them, of course ( ':
Geez, whats up with all these words? OTL
Anyway, I feel old. Elyse was saying she was planning on going to cosmetology school, and I told her I was going to as well. She asked me when, and I told her the year after next. Which, I mean, I
was planning on going the year after next. I'll be like 19, and this year I'm graduating (this year or early next year), and by next year I'll have a license...which will give me a lot of free time to decide if I really want to do that as a career. How come I always feel like such a retard when I talk about what I want to do when I get older? ||OTL I feel like I'm talking about these wonderful things I want to do and being all optimistic, just for them to not happen. Like how I get when I talk about dieting. "Yeah I'm so going on a diet next week" [NEVER HAPPENS] "fffffff-"
I think people are getting annoyed with me for never IMing them or texting them. The truth is, I used to
always, always IM and text people first. I did it all the time, but then I would get offended, which lead to me wondering if this person even
likes me. So I wouldn't initiate a conversation with them, and unsurprisingly, they never texted or IMed me, which only made me feel like an idiot. Part of it was that most of the people I would talk to wouldn't try to carry on the conversation, and it was mostly one-sided -- which is kind of hard to do when the other person obviously is too busy or just completely not interested in you whatsoever. Usually it takes two people to build a friendship. I figured if they actually did like me, they would eventually want to talk to me. I guess I fell into an overall habit of not initiating anything with anyone. I mean, I won't ignore their existence, I
do IM and text people, but not every time. I got tired of, I don't know, being
nice to people who had no time for me, like I did them.
I don't know if I've always been this way, but I also have this anxiety over being assertive. It's like I'm too afraid of being disliked or being brushed aside, I don't know how to describe it. I get nervous over the most trivial things concerning other people, it's almost burdening. But like I said, obviously I went unappreciated and not really all that important, so if anyone was worth talking to and
wanting to be talked to, they would at least say something every so often.
and I say that I think I'm annoying people with this, because I think they're in the same mentality as I was. But then again, there are some who want more from me than I'm willing to allow, and that may be a little disheartening ;") that's their own fault, though. Or maybe it isn't. I should learn when to shut my mouth :/
And look, it's 5AM.
This picture makes me happy. That is all.
~Loff
Fogo~
More dresses D<
